Hello friends,
the title of this post is somewhat sarcastic and slightly sardonic, since at the moment it is 1:27 in the morning and I woke up about an hour ago for no apparent reason after going to bed at 10:00 at night, because that's the sensible thing to do when waking up at 5 or 5:30 a.m. I also have a raging sore throat. But I digress. I'm not here to complain.
This is actually the third night this week that I have either not slept well or slept very little for various reasons, and when I finally realized I wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep I had a few different choices. I could find something amusing to watch on Netflix (but I've been trying to cut back on mind-glazing entertainment), I could make a list of all the things I needed to do (which seemed sensible and adult-y), or I could write. What I used to do when I couldn't sleep was write. I wrote fiction, raw material that turned into blog posts, I journaled, I thought onto the page, often very messily. There were times I looked at my words the next day and didn't really know what to make of them.
Now the "beauty" of sleeplessness comes in the fact that to my mind and body, it is no longer an option to be asleep. This means that my brain is awake as well, and it wants to do something. I am encouraged by the fact that although I briefly considered "glazing" and watching something on Netflix, it did not feel like that attractive of an option. So I opened my blog and clicked new post, intending to close it immediately and link to my blog drafts. After writing many—oh, so many—posts in my drafts that had nothing more than an interesting title and no body, I really wanted to finish one of them. But I knew that in my also very awake perfectionist self, I would scroll through, find all of the titles wanting, despair at having to choose any of them, and ultimately, feeling discouraged and frustrated with myself, write absolutely nothing and turn to Netflix for solace. That wouldn't do. And so, taking a deep breath, I clicked new post, and promised myself that even if what came out was raw and something that I doubted people would relish, I would post it, if only to force myself back into a writing rhythm.
So here I am, sleepless and madly typing, and feeling the strange euphoria that only comes from creating something where there was nothing, watching words appear out of the depths of my strange brain, and knowing that if I hadn't woken up at a bizarre time, this post wouldn't have happened. That is not to say I don't write blog posts at "normal" times, but THIS post wouldn't have happened. These thoughts wouldn't exist on the page. I think that's kind of crazy, and more than a little cool. Ergo, the beauty of sleeplessness.
It has been said that the best time to write is right when you wake up, because you give yourself a chance to be creative before your inner critic and editor entirely wake up. There's a flow and a freedom that is different. And I agree. It's also important to make sure you edit when you write in this state, unless you're writing a blog post like this, which I feel is important to leave as is, kind of to make a point. The point is that polished and perfect is not all that all the time, just like having a routine and a regular schedule is not all that, and making perfect [lists] of things to do isn't all that. We are so beautiful in our messiness, in our craziness, in our sleeplessness. Thank you for reading this post, as is, hardly backspaced or overthought, and I wish you both beauty and (occasional) sleeplessness. At least metaphorically.
Cheers,
Camila
P.S. I know that writing about writing (so meta!) is sometimes discouraged. But since a lot of my issues with continuing to write have to do with the insane struggle of writing itself, I made an exception. ;-)
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Making Friends With Silence
Hello fellow sojourners,
I took a two week break between graduating with my bachelor's degree and jumping into my master's program (after three days of trying to push through pure exhaustion and realizing I needed time to recuperate) and it's one of the most life-giving, peaceful things I could have done for myself. I realize, after looking around at a lot of lives, that this hiatus is a privilege, not a right, and I am grateful for every day. I also have been embracing some different patterns. I decided I needed to stop watching high-intensity dramas, at least for a good while, because they were exacerbating my fear and anxiety, and even depression. I knew that these weren't healthy ways to escape, but had resisted making this change for a long time. And why? Because I was afraid of the silence that I knew would be there when I turned off the static of empty entertainment. The noise in my head was sometimes overwhelming, but at least I wasn't hearing all of my own thoughts.
Then I was having some time with Jesus a couple mornings ago and He said to me,
"Silence feels like a threat—to happiness, to peace of mind, to keeping occupied. It feels scary so you've made it your enemy. Would you like to make friends with it again?"
And I realized that I did. When I asked Him how I would be able to do that, He said,
"Same way anyone makes friends...spend time with it. You've become buddies with noise, so it may feel pretty uncomfortable or unnatural at first, but you can learn to savor silence, not only when you are alone but with other people. Not feeling that you have to fill the space will be freeing (a relief, really) for you and make you a more restful, peaceful human being. I think that's what you want, right? ;)"
(and yes, I did feel that he was winking at me, because of course he knows what I want, and how to help me with those struggles)
So I've been spending little bits of time in silence, and felt the noise that was so constant subsiding, both outside of me and somewhat on the inside as well. Even choosing to listen to instrumental music when I'm already feeling like there's a lot going on inside of me emotionally has been really good in choosing to rest in Jesus instead of escaping into noise.
The verse that comes to mind is, "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted in the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" God doesn't just call us to be still for our own sake, although it often ends up being really good for our hearts, but to turn our eyes to Him and to His glory. He is worthy of all of our attention and worship, and when we are focused on Him, we don't have to be afraid.
Resting,
Camila Joy
I took a two week break between graduating with my bachelor's degree and jumping into my master's program (after three days of trying to push through pure exhaustion and realizing I needed time to recuperate) and it's one of the most life-giving, peaceful things I could have done for myself. I realize, after looking around at a lot of lives, that this hiatus is a privilege, not a right, and I am grateful for every day. I also have been embracing some different patterns. I decided I needed to stop watching high-intensity dramas, at least for a good while, because they were exacerbating my fear and anxiety, and even depression. I knew that these weren't healthy ways to escape, but had resisted making this change for a long time. And why? Because I was afraid of the silence that I knew would be there when I turned off the static of empty entertainment. The noise in my head was sometimes overwhelming, but at least I wasn't hearing all of my own thoughts.
Then I was having some time with Jesus a couple mornings ago and He said to me,
"Silence feels like a threat—to happiness, to peace of mind, to keeping occupied. It feels scary so you've made it your enemy. Would you like to make friends with it again?"
And I realized that I did. When I asked Him how I would be able to do that, He said,
"Same way anyone makes friends...spend time with it. You've become buddies with noise, so it may feel pretty uncomfortable or unnatural at first, but you can learn to savor silence, not only when you are alone but with other people. Not feeling that you have to fill the space will be freeing (a relief, really) for you and make you a more restful, peaceful human being. I think that's what you want, right? ;)"
(and yes, I did feel that he was winking at me, because of course he knows what I want, and how to help me with those struggles)
So I've been spending little bits of time in silence, and felt the noise that was so constant subsiding, both outside of me and somewhat on the inside as well. Even choosing to listen to instrumental music when I'm already feeling like there's a lot going on inside of me emotionally has been really good in choosing to rest in Jesus instead of escaping into noise.
The verse that comes to mind is, "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted in the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" God doesn't just call us to be still for our own sake, although it often ends up being really good for our hearts, but to turn our eyes to Him and to His glory. He is worthy of all of our attention and worship, and when we are focused on Him, we don't have to be afraid.
Resting,
Camila Joy
Friday, April 17, 2015
First Time in a Long Time
Hello fellow sojourners,
Today is a day of not exactly firsts, but firsts in a long time. For example, somehow I have not managed to write and publish a blog post since a little over two years ago, but here I am writing one. And I picked up my guitar out of the corner for the first time this afternoon and did some songwriting—which felt fantastic. I get an odd pleasure out of my fingers being newly sore from pressing on guitar strings, because it means that I'm breaking them in again, forming calluses.
I started reading this book that my sister recommended called "Better Than Before" which is all about mastering habits, so that we actually do the things that we want to do. Think about it. There are so many thing we say that we want to do, but out of habit or, perhaps, lack of habit, we just don't get around to it. And here's the thing. If we don't just choose to start doing something again, even if it feels clunky or unnatural, we might never get around to it.
There are lots of things I would like to change, but I think it all boils down to one main idea. I want to choose things that bring me life. I already know, from experience, that empty entertainment (episode after episode of some show on Netflix for example) drains me. I can take a little of it for unwinding or enjoyment, but hours and hours on end make me groggy and dull my senses to the world around me. Also, I tend to watch dramas, so everything feels a little more urgent or dramatic after I've been in that space for a while. But enough about what I don't want to do.
I want to play and write music, write lots and lots of bad songs without worrying about getting to the good ones, which I'm sure will come eventually. I want to read real books with paper, not on a screen, for fun and also for improvement and challenging myself in certain areas. I want to write stories that are full of the messiness of people and life and the sorrow and the joy that are mixed up together. I want to organize my stuff in such a way that I have readily available what I need often and tidily stored what I don't, and be able to see my surfaces and enjoy peace. Someone once told me what CHAOS stood for in this context: Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. I totally agree. When my space is at its worst, I don't invite people into it. I would like to have PEACE—Place for Everything And Creative Endeavors. I'll work on that acronym, but you get the idea.
I hope that this post finds you well, but whether it does or not, I offer you the idea that I am putting into place. It's a daily gratitude journal. I'm going to write down three new things every day that I am grateful for. I'll do it for a month to start with, and hopefully by then it'll be engrained, because I hope to do it for a long time to come. In the midst of many obligations and expectations that often feel heavy and fresh grief, I have to actively acknowledge the beauty in the world to see it, because things can so easily become a blur. I started on Monday and then forgot yesterday, so I'm writing six (double-punching, as my significant other calls it) today. Here are my six for yesterday and today:
~A beautiful breeze
~People that fix electronics, especially computers
~Clean water to drink and bathe in
~My guitar, Clifford
~A tight-knit family
~Tea
What are three things that you are grateful for today?
Name them, maybe even write them down. Savor life.
Glad to be writing again,
Camila
Today is a day of not exactly firsts, but firsts in a long time. For example, somehow I have not managed to write and publish a blog post since a little over two years ago, but here I am writing one. And I picked up my guitar out of the corner for the first time this afternoon and did some songwriting—which felt fantastic. I get an odd pleasure out of my fingers being newly sore from pressing on guitar strings, because it means that I'm breaking them in again, forming calluses.
I started reading this book that my sister recommended called "Better Than Before" which is all about mastering habits, so that we actually do the things that we want to do. Think about it. There are so many thing we say that we want to do, but out of habit or, perhaps, lack of habit, we just don't get around to it. And here's the thing. If we don't just choose to start doing something again, even if it feels clunky or unnatural, we might never get around to it.
There are lots of things I would like to change, but I think it all boils down to one main idea. I want to choose things that bring me life. I already know, from experience, that empty entertainment (episode after episode of some show on Netflix for example) drains me. I can take a little of it for unwinding or enjoyment, but hours and hours on end make me groggy and dull my senses to the world around me. Also, I tend to watch dramas, so everything feels a little more urgent or dramatic after I've been in that space for a while. But enough about what I don't want to do.
I want to play and write music, write lots and lots of bad songs without worrying about getting to the good ones, which I'm sure will come eventually. I want to read real books with paper, not on a screen, for fun and also for improvement and challenging myself in certain areas. I want to write stories that are full of the messiness of people and life and the sorrow and the joy that are mixed up together. I want to organize my stuff in such a way that I have readily available what I need often and tidily stored what I don't, and be able to see my surfaces and enjoy peace. Someone once told me what CHAOS stood for in this context: Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. I totally agree. When my space is at its worst, I don't invite people into it. I would like to have PEACE—Place for Everything And Creative Endeavors. I'll work on that acronym, but you get the idea.
I hope that this post finds you well, but whether it does or not, I offer you the idea that I am putting into place. It's a daily gratitude journal. I'm going to write down three new things every day that I am grateful for. I'll do it for a month to start with, and hopefully by then it'll be engrained, because I hope to do it for a long time to come. In the midst of many obligations and expectations that often feel heavy and fresh grief, I have to actively acknowledge the beauty in the world to see it, because things can so easily become a blur. I started on Monday and then forgot yesterday, so I'm writing six (double-punching, as my significant other calls it) today. Here are my six for yesterday and today:
~A beautiful breeze
~People that fix electronics, especially computers
~Clean water to drink and bathe in
~My guitar, Clifford
~A tight-knit family
~Tea
What are three things that you are grateful for today?
Name them, maybe even write them down. Savor life.
Glad to be writing again,
Camila
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