First Time in a Long Time

Hello fellow sojourners,

        Today is a day of not exactly firsts, but firsts in a long time. For example, somehow I have not managed to write and publish a blog post since a little over two years ago, but here I am writing one. And I picked up my guitar out of the corner for the first time this afternoon and did some songwriting—which felt fantastic. I get an odd pleasure out of my fingers being newly sore from pressing on guitar strings, because it means that I'm breaking them in again, forming calluses.
      I started reading this book that my sister recommended called "Better Than Before" which is all about mastering habits, so that we actually do the things that we want to do. Think about it. There are so many thing we say that we want to do, but out of habit or, perhaps, lack of habit, we just don't get around to it. And here's the thing. If we don't just choose to start doing something again, even if it feels clunky or unnatural, we might never get around to it.
      There are lots of things I would like to change, but I think it all boils down to one main idea. I want to choose things that bring me life. I already know, from experience, that empty entertainment (episode after episode of some show on Netflix for example) drains me. I can take a little of it for unwinding or enjoyment, but hours and hours on end make me groggy and dull my senses to the world around me. Also, I tend to watch dramas, so everything feels a little more urgent or dramatic after I've been in that space for a while. But enough about what I don't want to do.
      I want to play and write music, write lots and lots of bad songs without worrying about getting to the good ones, which I'm sure will come eventually. I want to read real books with paper, not on a screen, for fun and also for improvement and challenging myself in certain areas. I want to write stories that are full of the messiness of people and life and the sorrow and the joy that are mixed up together. I want to organize my stuff in such a way that I have readily available what I need often and tidily stored what I don't, and be able to see my surfaces and enjoy peace. Someone once told me what CHAOS stood for in this context: Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. I totally agree. When my space is at its worst, I don't invite people into it. I would like to have PEACE—Place for Everything And Creative Endeavors. I'll work on that acronym, but you get the idea.
       I hope that this post finds you well, but whether it does or not, I offer you the idea that I am putting into place. It's a daily gratitude journal. I'm going to write down three new things every day that I am grateful for. I'll do it for a month to start with, and hopefully by then it'll be engrained, because I hope to do it for a long time to come. In the midst of many obligations and expectations that often feel heavy and fresh grief, I have to actively acknowledge the beauty in the world to see it, because things can so easily become a blur. I started on Monday and then forgot yesterday, so I'm writing six (double-punching, as my significant other calls it) today. Here are my six for yesterday and today:

~A beautiful breeze
~People that fix electronics, especially computers
~Clean water to drink and bathe in
~My guitar, Clifford
~A tight-knit family
~Tea

What are three things that you are grateful for today?
Name them, maybe even write them down. Savor life.

Glad to be writing again,
Camila

The Power of Choice and Deletion of Should

         Life and people often put so many demands on us, and sometimes the pressure can suffocate us, but it doesn't have to. I do my best not to use "should" in the way I think about and talk about my life, and I am working on eliminating "have to" as well. I either do something or I don't. I either want to do something, or I don't. I'm either assigned something or I'm not. I either have dirty dishes in the sink, or clean ones in the drain. I am not a slave to duty. I have the privilege of choice.
        Let that knowledge sink in. Even if you have deadlines, you have a choice about how you spend your time. Do the things that bring you life, not because you "should", but because you CAN.

A Long Time in Coming

Hi fellow wanderers, discoverers, mourners, rejoicers, 
this post has been a long time in coming, and so has a return to joy. But now, with the return to joy, these words are for you.

Grief is not forever. 
Hope is not gone. 
Pain is not the absence of Joy. 

Agony and Ecstacy are sides of the same coin; if you can howl in utter desperation as you are breaking apart, it is certain that you can find your way back to wholeness. Be where you are, and don't be afraid to feel. Don't be afraid to break. Don't be afraid to be afraid, but only be afraid of not fully living. And even then, don't stay there. Live. 

Love.

4/6/2013-4/7/2013

So THAT'S why they call it Monday...

Oh, yes. It has been quite a Monday. I got an essay back from my comparative religions class with a "C" on it. I have a week to rewrite it for a better grade. Then, inexplicably, I felt really really sick before I got on the bus to go back home and retrieve the stuff I needed for my next class. So I didn't go to that class today. To top it all off, my joints are all aching and my feet hurt really bad. I have very little energy at all. BUT...
1. I'm still able to walk on my own.
2. I have a God who loves me.
3. I have a family who supports me.
4. I get to live with my sister, who is rooting for me to get through all of this emotional and physical pain and only be stronger because of it.
5. Coffee still tastes excellent, and there is plenty of it for me to drink.

Those are my top 5 "things to be thankful for". I do believe the enemy is all over the sickness and weakness today, because the second week of the "Restoring Wholeness" group I go to meets tonight, and I have faith that it is going to be a key component in me getting the better of this depression and rising up a whole and joyful person. So I'm going to keep fighting. I hope that you all have had better Mondays, but if you haven't, try listing 5 things you can be thankful for, then thank your Creator and Daddy God for those things. It's already changing my perspective as I write this. Hang in there, warriors! This world is not our home, and God has prepared a wonderful place for us, but we need to live our lives with all that we have, because He's worth it. And he will love us through all of it.