A Long Time in Coming

Hi fellow wanderers, discoverers, mourners, rejoicers, 
this post has been a long time in coming, and so has a return to joy. But now, with the return to joy, these words are for you.

Grief is not forever. 
Hope is not gone. 
Pain is not the absence of Joy. 

Agony and Ecstacy are sides of the same coin; if you can howl in utter desperation as you are breaking apart, it is certain that you can find your way back to wholeness. Be where you are, and don't be afraid to feel. Don't be afraid to break. Don't be afraid to be afraid, but only be afraid of not fully living. And even then, don't stay there. Live. 

Love.

4/6/2013-4/7/2013

So THAT'S why they call it Monday...

Oh, yes. It has been quite a Monday. I got an essay back from my comparative religions class with a "C" on it. I have a week to rewrite it for a better grade. Then, inexplicably, I felt really really sick before I got on the bus to go back home and retrieve the stuff I needed for my next class. So I didn't go to that class today. To top it all off, my joints are all aching and my feet hurt really bad. I have very little energy at all. BUT...
1. I'm still able to walk on my own.
2. I have a God who loves me.
3. I have a family who supports me.
4. I get to live with my sister, who is rooting for me to get through all of this emotional and physical pain and only be stronger because of it.
5. Coffee still tastes excellent, and there is plenty of it for me to drink.

Those are my top 5 "things to be thankful for". I do believe the enemy is all over the sickness and weakness today, because the second week of the "Restoring Wholeness" group I go to meets tonight, and I have faith that it is going to be a key component in me getting the better of this depression and rising up a whole and joyful person. So I'm going to keep fighting. I hope that you all have had better Mondays, but if you haven't, try listing 5 things you can be thankful for, then thank your Creator and Daddy God for those things. It's already changing my perspective as I write this. Hang in there, warriors! This world is not our home, and God has prepared a wonderful place for us, but we need to live our lives with all that we have, because He's worth it. And he will love us through all of it.

Rejoicing in the Valley

It’s time I started writing again. It’s the way that I’ve always processed, found my way back from the darkest caves and all my wanderings. I know that things are a mess right now, but the only way out of a mess is to move. The only way out of a mess is to recognize that you’re in one, and to start doing one small thing at a time. Healing does take time, but it does happen. To heal is a verb though, and it doesn’t happen by simply waiting to be zapped out of the sky. I know that now, more than ever. And I do have the choice to make things better or worse, no matter how bad or good things are. I always have the choices of what to do, what attitude to have, what response to have. I have the choice of what to believe about myself and about God, what to believe about others, what to believe about life. I have the choice what to let influence me, what music to listen to, what books to read, what shows and movies to watch. I have the choice to let my emotions control me or not, to push through the emotional and physical pain and do what I need to do to heal. I know that I’m stronger inside than I sometimes feel. 

Sometimes it really does hurt to breathe. Sometimes I do feel like I can’t do anything. But what’s really true? Right now, I don’t have the energy or passion level that I used to have, and I’ve been falling short of what I have expected myself to be. But it’s not true that I can’t do anything. I can pray. I can sing. I can receive love. I can give love. I can write. I can express. I can sing. I can extend compassion. I can worship. I can listen. I can be still. I can make choices. I can attend school, because I have been, and I haven’t failed any classes. I can make coffee. I can make eggs. I can read. I can take the bus. I can open up. I can get help when I need to. I can fight depression. I can surrender. I can be humble. I can cry. I can hope. I can enjoy the fact that I have red hair for the moment. I can accept myself the way that I am. I can grieve the loss of a dream. I can heal from a broken heart. I can forgive myself for the mistakes that I made. I can forgive him for the mistakes he made. I can ask for support when I’m weak and tired. I can be transparent without being mousy or whiny. I can believe the things that are true. I can embrace the “me” that is right now without accepting that I will always be this way. I can believe that God’s promises are true. I am capable of so much, maybe less physically, but I’ve never been especially ACTIVE, just excessively bouncy. I think that God wants to teach me that it’s a lot more about what’s inside, the radiant beauty of a spirit resting in him, than anything external like physical beauty or even physical energy. I want to be at peace no matter what I’m doing or not doing. I want to be rooted so deeply in who I am in Christ that even if I were an invalid and all I could do was pray, I would feel and know that I was just as valued and precious. The living GOD cherishes me. That has to change the way I look at myself, right? Well, I want to soak it all in, in this time where I’m forced to slow down and be still a lot more than I really thought I ever wanted to.

A friend of mine started a young adult group recently and the premise of what she heard from God about it was the concept of “greatly rejoicing in the valley”. Every one of us that gathered that first night felt like we were in a valley in some way in our season of life, whether it was about career or emotional state or just feeling lost. I asked God what that meant for me, and he showed me that music was one of those gifts he’d given me that he wanted me to dig into in this season. So I expect that there will be a lot of real, raw music that will come out of this time. I’m ready to embrace the mess. I choose to embrace it, because life is worth it. And life is only worth it because of the God I serve. And that makes every day worth not only living, but celebrating.

Profile of a Warrior

A warrior is fierce, heaven-bent on protecting the honor of his King.
A warrior has her mind set on her King, who has sent her to gain victory over the enemy.
A warrior knows when to rest, so that he can return to battle refreshed and renewed.
A warrior loves deeply, knowing that she may die that day, in the heat of the fighting.
A warrior doesn’t live his life for himself, and is willing to die for the cause.
A warrior lives simply, not dragging around lots of things everywhere she goes.
A warrior is well-protected, and would never go out to battle without his armor.
A warrior is loyal, and will sacrifice her life for her friend.
A warrior stays with his army, and doesn’t isolate from them.
A warrior is honest when she is tired or wounded and asks for reinforcements.
A warrior keeps his eyes on hope, and goes out confident of the destruction of his enemies.
A warrior doesn’t give up when things seem impossible, but she presses in harder and expects breakthrough.
A warrior keeps perspective, and he doesn’t measure the final outcome by small battles lost.
A warrior fights as much for her own heart and life as for the one next to her, knowing that she is as valuable as her friend.
A warrior needs no honor or accolades to know he has done well; he values most the words of his King.
A warrior listens to her leaders, and respects their authority.
A warrior makes no compromises to let the enemy have passage, and he fights offensively to drive them back.
A warrior knows that without the whole, she has little effectiveness, but that, joined together, there is great power.
A warrior knows who he is, his strengths and weaknesses, and doesn’t try to pretend they don’t exist, but works with them and others to be the most effective.
A warrior’s life is the battle.